BUMS : What are they good for?

If there is one thing that freaks me the fuck out in this world, it is bums. Okay, maybe spiders too but bums take the cake. Yet, I can’t help but be fascinated. By my work there is an area, Bum Palisades as I like to call it, and everyday I make sure not to get to close. I watch them, the way they lay there on the ground, the way they introduce new fashions into society, the way they use the streets as their own toilet. Just the other night one yelled at me for turning on my headlights and waking him up. Oh, I’m sorry I have to drive back to MY HOME! It reminded me of that scene from Adventures in Babysitting where Penelope Ann Miller (Brenda to the true diehards) kicks the bum’s shoes out of the phonebooth and screams, “Ya just moved”. Art imitating life. Deep.

My favorite kind of bum is the CRACKED OUT BUM. The cracked out bum likes to have conversations with the air. Air is their therapist. They are giving you greasy bed/sidewalk head, dirty face, untied shoes, and cutting edge bum fashion. White shirts with flowers on them that are just soiled beyond belief. Denim that has seen the 1980’s and has come back around to be haute couture will cleverly ripped pockets. Skull caps that have grass stains on them because they decided to take a mini vacation to the local park. They are so out of it on crank that you know they are not gonna even approach you cause Air is giving them life advice. A few years ago I was leaving a concert downtown and I as I was driving a cracked out lady bum, which are the best by the way, leaped out in front of my car and screamed “COINS?!” I slammed on my brakes, cause I ain’t serving 3 to 5 for running some fat drugged out bitch over, grabbed a handful of coins and threw them at her. Go get a 7-11 hotdog with that sister. And best believe she hit the ground to get those pennies and nickels. True story. Ask my friend Kym, he was with me.

My least favorite kind of bum is the ABRASIVE BUM. The ones that act like you owe them something cause they homeless. Bitch I ain’t working 40 hours a week to give my wage away to you, I don’t care what The Secret says! I went to the bank for work the other day and came back with $200 in small bills. I had to walk through Bum Palisades, a gated community, and this abrasive bum asked me for cash. “Sorry man” I said and he starts yelling at me! “Whatever white boy, you got cash in your hand. Shit, I’m just trying to get a meal.” Then get a job dyke! And I love the white comment. Right cause if I was black I would have just gave you the money cause of our slavery struggles. “Sorry boss, a fellow black man who is homeless asked, or axed, me for money so here is $180 instead of $200.” Fuck you bum. Bums if you are reading this, and if you are hock the computer and go to Ralph’s for a special on bread and peanutbutter, we don’t owe you anything. We work hard for our money. This iPhone didn’t buy itself. Be polite and maybe someone will help you out. I mean, I won’t, but someone may.

The last kind of bum sort of breaks my heart a little. They are the REAL LIFE BUM. The bums you see on the exit ramps who really need something to help them or their families. You can always tell the real ones. I never give these bums money. However, I have been known to keep a stack of McDonald's gift certificates in my glovebox to give to the real life bums. Who doesn’t love some french fries! Although they still make me nervous. One time I was with my cousin Kym and we were pulling in to a gas station to get some....well gas. I stopped and started to get out and saw a real life bum approaching and I just had to hop back in and drive away. I guess I feel bad and don’t wanna deal with it. It is like when Rose loses Charlie’s pension and she doesn’t know if she will be able to pay her own way. (If you don’t get this reference then we cannot be friends). At another gas station, which I guess are the new hot spots, a preggers teen real life bum started to approach me. A REAL LIFE BUM WHO IS A TEEN AND WHO HAS GOT A BUNDLE OF HOMELESS JOY ON THE WAY!!!!!! Oh hell no! That is to much. Bum overload. I mean, she is starving for two and I cannot deal with that. I gotta get to the gym, summer is right around the corner! And speaking of the gym, when I was leaving there the other day this real life bum, all tatted up with a rather chic cardboard saying he was hungry, was walking in the middle of the street. I gave him my raw protein bar, which are not cheap. He looked at it and tossed it back in my window. Oh I’m sorry!! Next time I’ll make sure to get your order in advance before I go to Whole Foods. Spicy Tuna roll and some Coconut water? Oh OK! Fuckin’ bums.

So, no matter what kind of bum approaches you just remember these three things: 1. If they crazy, you are in no harm. 2. No matter how attractive they may be or how sorry you feel for them, they be a bum. That’s not cute. And finally, 3. If they start to yell at you for not helping them out, just think “I’m prettier, I’m richer, and I have a bed to sleep in tonight.” Trust!