Thursday, April 21, 2011

Please Don't Block The Entrance!!

The other day I was out running errands and I had to stop at the grocery store real quick to grab something. Maybe it was some baby wipes cause they were on sale 2 for $5. Gotta keep it clean. As I pull in and see some lady standing in front of the door holding up some sign with an ape on it, locked behind bars looking like it is doing 25 + for first degree murder. There are pamphlets, a donation bucket, and a one of a kind tee shirt that I am sure comes free if you decided to support the ape’s cause, which is mostly likely getting him a non state funded lawyer. I think fine, there are two entrances I’ll just park at the other one and go in there. Then, to my dismay I see something even worse. TWO Greenpeace people at the other door! WHAT!!!! Now what am I gonna do?! 2 for $5 people! 2 for $5! And these Greenpeace people are the worse! So I did what I would do If I saw a bum standing there, I drove away. Needless to say, I’ve been using toilet paper and water.

I don’t know why, but I get so irritated when I am just trying to go to the store and I have to wade through all these people with the charities and petitions. Now, people selling candy or girl scout cookies outside of a store is one thing. They are not hassling you for money or trying to get you to sign something. And you can always tell them you have diabetes if they want you to buy some cookies. Also, recently there was a very lovely teenage girl playing her violin outside the store with her case open asking for donations so she could attend music camp during the summer. Since I like the arts, I gave her $5. I secretly hope she uses all that money to buy a case of rubber cement and get high as fuck and write an awesome symphony. But I digress. Things like that don’t bother me. But I don’t want to bombarded with people when I am just trying to run into the store and get something. If I wanna donate money to your charity I’ll do it online. Maybe.

I know I can always just say “No thank you” and walk away but, I am still pissed that I even have to be put in that position. So, I have devised a few certain ways to get you past that awkward, “No thanks, I already gave to Autism today” moment.

1. Always look for alternate entrances. This one is always the easiest. Even if you have to use an exit as an entrance, do it. I’ve been doing that most of my adult life. Again, I digress. This is always the easiest way to avoid them. Although, you have to make sure that you leave the same side that you came in. You don’t wanna think you are in the clear and then leave the other side with a cart full of groceries and run into the Feed The Homeless lady. Also, make sure that they haven’t moved locations. It is always smart to do a quick look out before exiting.

2. The Paris Hilton exit. A few years ago I saw the extremely talented Paris Hilton giving an interview and her talking about when she wants to avoid talking to the paparazzi (whenever that is) she pretends that she is on her cell phone. So I started using that when I wanted to avoid these money-grubbers. If you have no choice, pull out your cell and start talking to the home screen. It may seem weird but you will get the hang of it. I never knew what to be saying to nothing at the other end of the line, but after years of experience I found two absolute favorites. Even if you are in shorts and a tank top become an angry businessman/woman. “But I got an invoice saying that all the inventory was shipped to China last week. Someone needs to get on this. I don’t care....” and by this time you should be in doors. OR act like you just heard some terrible news. “Om my Lord, do you know is she is gonna be in ICU much longer? Just the other day she was taking little Cleo out to the dog run and now she....” BOOM! You’re inside and ready to start shopping.

3. This last one is very last resort but an option none the less. Let’s say both doors are stacked with people and you have left your cell phone in the car. Shit! You are walking up and they catch you in their eyeline. What do you do? You do this : you pretend that you’re deaf. That’s right. You channel your inner Marilee Matlin and get deaf on their ass. The second you see their lips start moving you throw up some fast hand signs, put your tongue to the roof of your mouth, act like you have a stuffed up nose and just simply say, “Sorry, I’m deaf”. And if you do it right, they may even be giving you money before you get back to your car. It’s a hard one to pull off but, you can’t take a chance and act like you don’t speak English. Besides, this one is just more fun to do.

So there you have it. The next time you don’t wanna have to deal with MADD or March of Dimes when you need to go to the store, just use one of these three handy methods. They work everytime. And I swear to God, for Greenpeace sake, that 2 for $5 sale better still be going on!

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