Thursday, April 21, 2011

Please Don't Block The Entrance!!

The other day I was out running errands and I had to stop at the grocery store real quick to grab something. Maybe it was some baby wipes cause they were on sale 2 for $5. Gotta keep it clean. As I pull in and see some lady standing in front of the door holding up some sign with an ape on it, locked behind bars looking like it is doing 25 + for first degree murder. There are pamphlets, a donation bucket, and a one of a kind tee shirt that I am sure comes free if you decided to support the ape’s cause, which is mostly likely getting him a non state funded lawyer. I think fine, there are two entrances I’ll just park at the other one and go in there. Then, to my dismay I see something even worse. TWO Greenpeace people at the other door! WHAT!!!! Now what am I gonna do?! 2 for $5 people! 2 for $5! And these Greenpeace people are the worse! So I did what I would do If I saw a bum standing there, I drove away. Needless to say, I’ve been using toilet paper and water.

I don’t know why, but I get so irritated when I am just trying to go to the store and I have to wade through all these people with the charities and petitions. Now, people selling candy or girl scout cookies outside of a store is one thing. They are not hassling you for money or trying to get you to sign something. And you can always tell them you have diabetes if they want you to buy some cookies. Also, recently there was a very lovely teenage girl playing her violin outside the store with her case open asking for donations so she could attend music camp during the summer. Since I like the arts, I gave her $5. I secretly hope she uses all that money to buy a case of rubber cement and get high as fuck and write an awesome symphony. But I digress. Things like that don’t bother me. But I don’t want to bombarded with people when I am just trying to run into the store and get something. If I wanna donate money to your charity I’ll do it online. Maybe.

I know I can always just say “No thank you” and walk away but, I am still pissed that I even have to be put in that position. So, I have devised a few certain ways to get you past that awkward, “No thanks, I already gave to Autism today” moment.

1. Always look for alternate entrances. This one is always the easiest. Even if you have to use an exit as an entrance, do it. I’ve been doing that most of my adult life. Again, I digress. This is always the easiest way to avoid them. Although, you have to make sure that you leave the same side that you came in. You don’t wanna think you are in the clear and then leave the other side with a cart full of groceries and run into the Feed The Homeless lady. Also, make sure that they haven’t moved locations. It is always smart to do a quick look out before exiting.

2. The Paris Hilton exit. A few years ago I saw the extremely talented Paris Hilton giving an interview and her talking about when she wants to avoid talking to the paparazzi (whenever that is) she pretends that she is on her cell phone. So I started using that when I wanted to avoid these money-grubbers. If you have no choice, pull out your cell and start talking to the home screen. It may seem weird but you will get the hang of it. I never knew what to be saying to nothing at the other end of the line, but after years of experience I found two absolute favorites. Even if you are in shorts and a tank top become an angry businessman/woman. “But I got an invoice saying that all the inventory was shipped to China last week. Someone needs to get on this. I don’t care....” and by this time you should be in doors. OR act like you just heard some terrible news. “Om my Lord, do you know is she is gonna be in ICU much longer? Just the other day she was taking little Cleo out to the dog run and now she....” BOOM! You’re inside and ready to start shopping.

3. This last one is very last resort but an option none the less. Let’s say both doors are stacked with people and you have left your cell phone in the car. Shit! You are walking up and they catch you in their eyeline. What do you do? You do this : you pretend that you’re deaf. That’s right. You channel your inner Marilee Matlin and get deaf on their ass. The second you see their lips start moving you throw up some fast hand signs, put your tongue to the roof of your mouth, act like you have a stuffed up nose and just simply say, “Sorry, I’m deaf”. And if you do it right, they may even be giving you money before you get back to your car. It’s a hard one to pull off but, you can’t take a chance and act like you don’t speak English. Besides, this one is just more fun to do.

So there you have it. The next time you don’t wanna have to deal with MADD or March of Dimes when you need to go to the store, just use one of these three handy methods. They work everytime. And I swear to God, for Greenpeace sake, that 2 for $5 sale better still be going on!

Friday, April 8, 2011

BUMS : What are they good for?

If there is one thing that freaks me the fuck out in this world, it is bums. Okay, maybe spiders too but bums take the cake. Yet, I can’t help but be fascinated. By my work there is an area, Bum Palisades as I like to call it, and everyday I make sure not to get to close. I watch them, the way they lay there on the ground, the way they introduce new fashions into society, the way they use the streets as their own toilet. Just the other night one yelled at me for turning on my headlights and waking him up. Oh, I’m sorry I have to drive back to MY HOME! It reminded me of that scene from Adventures in Babysitting where Penelope Ann Miller (Brenda to the true diehards) kicks the bum’s shoes out of the phonebooth and screams, “Ya just moved”. Art imitating life. Deep.

My favorite kind of bum is the CRACKED OUT BUM. The cracked out bum likes to have conversations with the air. Air is their therapist. They are giving you greasy bed/sidewalk head, dirty face, untied shoes, and cutting edge bum fashion. White shirts with flowers on them that are just soiled beyond belief. Denim that has seen the 1980’s and has come back around to be haute couture will cleverly ripped pockets. Skull caps that have grass stains on them because they decided to take a mini vacation to the local park. They are so out of it on crank that you know they are not gonna even approach you cause Air is giving them life advice. A few years ago I was leaving a concert downtown and I as I was driving a cracked out lady bum, which are the best by the way, leaped out in front of my car and screamed “COINS?!” I slammed on my brakes, cause I ain’t serving 3 to 5 for running some fat drugged out bitch over, grabbed a handful of coins and threw them at her. Go get a 7-11 hotdog with that sister. And best believe she hit the ground to get those pennies and nickels. True story. Ask my friend Kym, he was with me.

My least favorite kind of bum is the ABRASIVE BUM. The ones that act like you owe them something cause they homeless. Bitch I ain’t working 40 hours a week to give my wage away to you, I don’t care what The Secret says! I went to the bank for work the other day and came back with $200 in small bills. I had to walk through Bum Palisades, a gated community, and this abrasive bum asked me for cash. “Sorry man” I said and he starts yelling at me! “Whatever white boy, you got cash in your hand. Shit, I’m just trying to get a meal.” Then get a job dyke! And I love the white comment. Right cause if I was black I would have just gave you the money cause of our slavery struggles. “Sorry boss, a fellow black man who is homeless asked, or axed, me for money so here is $180 instead of $200.” Fuck you bum. Bums if you are reading this, and if you are hock the computer and go to Ralph’s for a special on bread and peanutbutter, we don’t owe you anything. We work hard for our money. This iPhone didn’t buy itself. Be polite and maybe someone will help you out. I mean, I won’t, but someone may.

The last kind of bum sort of breaks my heart a little. They are the REAL LIFE BUM. The bums you see on the exit ramps who really need something to help them or their families. You can always tell the real ones. I never give these bums money. However, I have been known to keep a stack of McDonald's gift certificates in my glovebox to give to the real life bums. Who doesn’t love some french fries! Although they still make me nervous. One time I was with my cousin Kym and we were pulling in to a gas station to get some....well gas. I stopped and started to get out and saw a real life bum approaching and I just had to hop back in and drive away. I guess I feel bad and don’t wanna deal with it. It is like when Rose loses Charlie’s pension and she doesn’t know if she will be able to pay her own way. (If you don’t get this reference then we cannot be friends). At another gas station, which I guess are the new hot spots, a preggers teen real life bum started to approach me. A REAL LIFE BUM WHO IS A TEEN AND WHO HAS GOT A BUNDLE OF HOMELESS JOY ON THE WAY!!!!!! Oh hell no! That is to much. Bum overload. I mean, she is starving for two and I cannot deal with that. I gotta get to the gym, summer is right around the corner! And speaking of the gym, when I was leaving there the other day this real life bum, all tatted up with a rather chic cardboard saying he was hungry, was walking in the middle of the street. I gave him my raw protein bar, which are not cheap. He looked at it and tossed it back in my window. Oh I’m sorry!! Next time I’ll make sure to get your order in advance before I go to Whole Foods. Spicy Tuna roll and some Coconut water? Oh OK! Fuckin’ bums.

So, no matter what kind of bum approaches you just remember these three things: 1. If they crazy, you are in no harm. 2. No matter how attractive they may be or how sorry you feel for them, they be a bum. That’s not cute. And finally, 3. If they start to yell at you for not helping them out, just think “I’m prettier, I’m richer, and I have a bed to sleep in tonight.” Trust!