Friday, May 21, 2010

Life Alert!!! Life Alert!!!

Remember those great Life Alert commercials back in the late ‘80’s? I mean, “I've fallen and I can’t get up” was everywhere. I briefly considered getting a tatoo of it on my stomach. But I figured at 8 years old the subject matter may be to dark. Anywho, they have updated the commercials. And they are a doozy. See below:

Let’s get down to brass tacks. How many packs of Salem Light 100’s has this “Magic Wand Lady” smoked? Forget Life Alert hag and get the patch. Maybe you wouldn’t need Life Alert if you got up out your smoke den and took a walk around the neighborhood. You haggy bitch, pull it together. Does Life Alert know her brand of smokes too? They know her medicine. Do they know when she waves her “magic wand” they need to get there stat with a defibrillator and a carton of Salem Light 100’s? For two easy payments of $29.95 they better bring her a 3-pack of Bic lighters too. Maybe one of those old lady leather smoke cases that also holds a lighter You know she’s got one. It is teal. But, lets move on.

I would like to call this next lady, “Heart Attack Hag”. Heart Attack Hag makes Magic Wand Lady sound like an opera singer. Heart Attack Hag straight up smokes filter-less Lucky Strikes. Not only does she pack her ciggy pack but she packs every ciggy like she is in living during The Depression. How can I take Heart Attack Hag seriously? Bitch is got classic smokers-face. Nice lines around your lips and those crows-feet really compliment the nice round bags under her eyes. Even her eye bags have bags. You know it’s bad when that shit happens. And let’s get serious, does Life Alert know that when she pushes her button that they need to bring her sliced cucumbers for those eye bags. And I hope they bring her a box of Nice N Easy #3N (Soft Natural Brown) so she can touch up her roots. No wonder no one was there for her. You wanna wake up to that! I mean forget that fact that you already have emphysema due to her second hand smoke! And why is this bitch so bitter? You’re the one smoking your face away (and most likely boozing-however I’m ok with that). Sister you done brought it all on yourself. And by the way, you’re gonna be just as alone in a nursing home. Dumb bitch.

Now on to “Eyebrow Psycho”. What the fuck is this bitch talking about sleeping easier. This dyke looks like she is so wired on blow that she hasn’t slept since the series finale of The Golden Girls. She doesn’t need Life Alert. She needs a clean mirror and fresh razor blade to cut up her 8 ball with. I wonder if she’s holding right now? I could stand to lose 5 lbs.

But the real question is, can I buy a Life Alert? Is it only for senior citizens? I’ve got 2 payments of $29.95 (barely). What about when I go on a bender and drink 2 bottles of wine and need another one. Can they bring that to me? They should have all of my information. It is my “medicine”. I like Rose, Zinfandel, and Syrah. That is all the info the need. OR what about if I wanna order food from Maria’s Italian Kitchen? Will they pick it up for me so I don’t have to pay the $5 delivery charge? Again, I will give them my info. Just pick me up a BBQ Chicken Calzone with a Sprite and a side orders of Italian fries. And ketchup. Heinz. ONLY. I will also let them know about my “Singing Condition” so when they pull up and see me half in the bag, wearing heels, singing Amy Winehouse they will know that it is perfectly natural. I’m ordering one and if all of my needs are not met, well then I will be contacting C. Everett Koop, M.D. Formal US Surgeon General. By the way, shouldn’t he be advising Magic Wand Lady and Heart Attack Hag about the risk of smoking? Just saying.

ALTERNATE BEGINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Check out the alternate beginning starring the GORGEOUS Magic Wand Lady:

Thursday, May 20, 2010

WHAT UP KYMS....................

Well, Hello there. Welcome to KYMS : The Blog, the one stop shop for all of your Kymmishness needs. Do you ever need to come home after a long day and just eat some birthday cake and cheesy bacon fries? Then maybe wash it down with a bottle of White Zin and a gallon of Rum Raisin. Oh, you don’t. Well fuck you then. You would if you had the kind of Kymmish day I had. It all started at the bank this morning.

So, I figure that before work I would stop at the bank and deposit a check. One check. Just one. How long could it take to deposit just ONE check? I walk in and there is one man in front of me. As I walk behind him I hear him tell the ask the teller for a $350 withdrawal from his savings. REPLAY:

TELLER: Sure sir. May I have your account number?

KYM: Well you should have it.

TELLER: I’m afraid I don’t know it off hand. If you have your ID I could look it up for you.

KYM: But, you should know it. I bank here.

TELLER: Well sir, we have many patrons here. I’m afraid I don’t know all of there account numbers. But, if you have
your ID.................

KYM: Why do I need an ID? I bank here. Why don’t you know my account number?

At this moment, KYM looks at me and says:

KYM: Can you believe this? (To which I reply)

MASTER KYM: No, I cannot believe you expect her to remember your account number.

KYM: But I bank here.

Luckily, another teller opens her window and deposit my check and leave. Promptly I might add. You know why? Cause I had my account number.

Now I am off to work. I arrive and get to working. Now, I work at a cute restaurant in Los Angeles that has great food (HINT: Come in and pay my rent Kym). Celebrities enjoy coming in because there is no paparazzi and it is very secluded. How nice for them. Their life is so hard. I mean it is like Haiti, the ash cloud, and oil spills all rolled into one. Vomit.

So I’m working, working hard for my money, and this pop “diva” is at my first table. (By the way, fuck the word DIVA.) Now I like her, in fact I really like her, and I was excited to wait on her. She was there with her hubby and her baby, which let’s get serious, should have been aborted after the 2008 Grammy’s. I won’t tell you who she is, but this bitch is dirrty.

Needless to say, I had the Gay Giggle. I mean, I have lost my voice singing to this bitch in my car. I figure, she has got money maybe she wants bottled water. REPLAY:

MASTER KYM: Can I offer you a bottle of flat or Sparking water?

POP DIVA: Ugh, is your water filtered.

MASTER KYM: Yes it is.

POP DIVA: Well then we want that. Ugh.

Now I’m pissed. SHE’S A FUCKING BITCH-HOLE! Like I am supposed to read your tranny mind. And if I could I would tell you telepathically to lay off the pancake foundation and fire engine red lipstick you dumb bitch. So I return with the water and start to tell the table the specials and before I even get through the soups, Pop Diva DEMANDS some coffee with soy milk. Vanilla soy milk at that. I let her MAJESTY know that we don’t carry soy milk but I could bring her regular milk. EXACT WORD FOR WORD RESPONSE:

POP DIVA: If I wanted regular milk I would have asked for it.

MASTER KYM: Well, then I guess you are not having any coffee.

Now I am guessing most people don’t talk to Pop Diva like that, but fuck you bitch. You are table 34 to me OK, not Mrs......Oh I wish I could tell you who she is!!!!!! However, to my surprise Pop Diva decides she would like some coffee with skim milk. I return with the coffee and milk and finish the specials. Before I leave pop diva has another problem.

POP DIVA: Oh, wait. I’ve put too much milk in my coffee.

MASTER KYM: Just think of all the calcium you are gonna get.

POP DIVA: But, I put too much milk in my coffee.

I take their order and Pop Diva orders something that is totally not on the menu, but I tell her we can make it anyway. I go about the day and then deliver food to her and her family. Pop Diva literally eats too bites of her custom made salad then says she is full and doesn’t want anymore. Fine, waste it dyke. I gave it to a Mexican in the back. Free food is like gold to them. That is a whole ‘nother story. But I digress, I ask her if she wants dessert and to my surprise she orders a creme brulee, banana creme pie, and mousse. Ok, maybe the baby likes sweets. Yeah right! Pop Diva DEVOURS all three of them. The baby gets to lick the spoon after the crème brulee is gone. I drop the check and she pays. Now this bitch has Grammy’s, # 1 records, AMA’s, major money. The bill was $75.15. The tip : $8. That won’t even allow me to buy your latest album off iTunes. Ya fuckin bitch. After work I went home and burned all of her CD’s that I had. Well, I kept the second album, it is so good!

The following is a day in the life of all things KYMMISH. Now, I am not saying that I am not Kymmish or a KYM. In fact, I am the Master Kym. It is all about realizing your Kymmishness and trying not to impose it on the rest of the world. That’s all for today. Not I gotta go get that birthday cake. I like to eat it for breakfast.