Friday, May 21, 2010

Life Alert!!! Life Alert!!!

Remember those great Life Alert commercials back in the late ‘80’s? I mean, “I've fallen and I can’t get up” was everywhere. I briefly considered getting a tatoo of it on my stomach. But I figured at 8 years old the subject matter may be to dark. Anywho, they have updated the commercials. And they are a doozy. See below:

Let’s get down to brass tacks. How many packs of Salem Light 100’s has this “Magic Wand Lady” smoked? Forget Life Alert hag and get the patch. Maybe you wouldn’t need Life Alert if you got up out your smoke den and took a walk around the neighborhood. You haggy bitch, pull it together. Does Life Alert know her brand of smokes too? They know her medicine. Do they know when she waves her “magic wand” they need to get there stat with a defibrillator and a carton of Salem Light 100’s? For two easy payments of $29.95 they better bring her a 3-pack of Bic lighters too. Maybe one of those old lady leather smoke cases that also holds a lighter You know she’s got one. It is teal. But, lets move on.

I would like to call this next lady, “Heart Attack Hag”. Heart Attack Hag makes Magic Wand Lady sound like an opera singer. Heart Attack Hag straight up smokes filter-less Lucky Strikes. Not only does she pack her ciggy pack but she packs every ciggy like she is in living during The Depression. How can I take Heart Attack Hag seriously? Bitch is got classic smokers-face. Nice lines around your lips and those crows-feet really compliment the nice round bags under her eyes. Even her eye bags have bags. You know it’s bad when that shit happens. And let’s get serious, does Life Alert know that when she pushes her button that they need to bring her sliced cucumbers for those eye bags. And I hope they bring her a box of Nice N Easy #3N (Soft Natural Brown) so she can touch up her roots. No wonder no one was there for her. You wanna wake up to that! I mean forget that fact that you already have emphysema due to her second hand smoke! And why is this bitch so bitter? You’re the one smoking your face away (and most likely boozing-however I’m ok with that). Sister you done brought it all on yourself. And by the way, you’re gonna be just as alone in a nursing home. Dumb bitch.

Now on to “Eyebrow Psycho”. What the fuck is this bitch talking about sleeping easier. This dyke looks like she is so wired on blow that she hasn’t slept since the series finale of The Golden Girls. She doesn’t need Life Alert. She needs a clean mirror and fresh razor blade to cut up her 8 ball with. I wonder if she’s holding right now? I could stand to lose 5 lbs.

But the real question is, can I buy a Life Alert? Is it only for senior citizens? I’ve got 2 payments of $29.95 (barely). What about when I go on a bender and drink 2 bottles of wine and need another one. Can they bring that to me? They should have all of my information. It is my “medicine”. I like Rose, Zinfandel, and Syrah. That is all the info the need. OR what about if I wanna order food from Maria’s Italian Kitchen? Will they pick it up for me so I don’t have to pay the $5 delivery charge? Again, I will give them my info. Just pick me up a BBQ Chicken Calzone with a Sprite and a side orders of Italian fries. And ketchup. Heinz. ONLY. I will also let them know about my “Singing Condition” so when they pull up and see me half in the bag, wearing heels, singing Amy Winehouse they will know that it is perfectly natural. I’m ordering one and if all of my needs are not met, well then I will be contacting C. Everett Koop, M.D. Formal US Surgeon General. By the way, shouldn’t he be advising Magic Wand Lady and Heart Attack Hag about the risk of smoking? Just saying.

ALTERNATE BEGINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Check out the alternate beginning starring the GORGEOUS Magic Wand Lady:

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